be strong

Ever tried not sleeping the whole night even though you force yourself to do so? Ever tried seeing the one same scene whenever you close your eyes? Ever blame yourself for things that you’re unsure? Ever question yourself questions you have no answers to? Ever feel confuse and feel that life is in a mess? Ever feel like crying but there ain’t any tears? Ever feel like blaming the world but you know that’s not the way? Ever felt silly enough to wish for the best of your love one, even though it means never having him again, and rather bear the pain yourself? Ever feel disappointed in the person you trusted and loved most, for that he proved otherwise? Ever lose faith in life, but knowing that that’s not the way out?

So many thoughts, yet can’t find the right words to pen them down.

When someone says he loves you and is afraid of losing you, does it mean he really loves you with all his heart including loving your flaws, or is it merely afraid of getting hurt and rather be the one who let go, and be the one who move on faster? For me, loving a man would mean loving him with all I have, to include loving his attitude, character, bad habits, imperfections, you name it! It was also til the extent of hoping and wishing for the best for him, in the expense of my happiness. Yes, silly is the word. But what’s wrong with loving a person in this way? At least I’m free from commitment issues =)

Perhaps it really is the most difficult stage for me now. Perhaps I need more time? But how long do I want more? It has already been 6 months, and funny thing is, he has already moved on. Perhaps I’m way too stubborn. Perhaps I’m simply silly in giving so much. Perhaps I’m being dumbly optimistic?

I’m trying utterly hard to be strong and try to move on. But thing is, on every occasion when I feel strength in me, there’s definitely something/ some event (relating to him duhh) that completely destroy my faith, bringing me back to square one. A friend once told me, don’t be discouraged if you take 2 steps backward on every step forward, at least you’ve taken the step forward. This time, I’m not only taking 2 steps back, I’m going wayyy back!

Some says being busy helps in diverting attention. I have tonnes to do lately, but sorry managers, I’ve been procrastinating and have no heart to work at all. But but, work will be delivered with at least the minimum expected quality level, I assure =) Some says exercise helps too. I went jogging earlier, all I did was kept telling myself to be strong and try not tear, but eventually did T_T

This is a song that I’ve been listening to for the past few days and nights. Could even sing it in my dreams. I have to be strong and 再见到你 我一定让自己坚定, if not, 假装很坚定. I hope there’ll be a day when I can smile from my heart again. A girl who once loved smiling, and who was even scolded by a PE teacher for smiling, is yet to come back.

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爱笑的眼睛 ~ 徐若瑄

如果不是那镜子
不像你不藏秘密
我还不肯相信
没有你我的笑更美丽
那天听你在电话里略带抱歉的关心
我嘟的一声切的比你说分手彻底

泪湿的衣洗干净阳光里晒干回忆
折好了伤心明天只和快乐出去
这爱的城市虽然拥挤
如果真的遇见你
你不必讶异我的笑她无法代替

离开你我才发现自己
那爱笑的眼睛流过泪
像躲不过的暴风雨
淋湿的昨天删去
离开你我才找回自己
那爱笑的眼睛再见爱情
我一定让自己让自己决定

离开你我才发现自己
那爱笑的眼睛流了泪
当一个人看旧电影是
我不小心而已
离开你我才找回我自己
那爱笑的眼睛再见到你
我一定让自己让自己坚定

再见到你
我一定让自己假装很坚定
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